This is what happened: Practice at 00:59

I had a good four hours straight to devote to practicing this evening, which is quite rare so I decided to make the most of my time. Showered, turned on the heater, comfortable clothes, slightly hungry; prayed, and got down to it.


I forced myself to do at least 10 minutes of warmups, which quickly evolved into doing the hard passages of Merlin II very slowly, attentive to every position, every note quality and balance of each chord. Careful sixteenth notes up and down. Careful transitions into the next passage to make sure I memorized it correctly.


Usually when I practice I block out thinking about anything else. It is blissful in a way to be so focused and in flow that I know nothing can bother me. Many times last year I'd start practicing, and the next time I look at the clock two hours have passed, though it felt like no time at all. It's a trance-like state, almost similar to the rare momentary blissful blankness you get when you wake up perfectly rested from a great dream. That's when I love practicing, and I get a lot done.


While I've been learning Merlin this semester, though, I've noticed something in the learning process. I've been tackling the hardest passages first and working them over and over to get them familiar, before I learn the easier, more repetitive bits (though I'm discovering that only about 5% of Merlin is easy and repetitive). I guess sometimes I can never fully tune other thoughts out, because I'd be thinking about something else simultaneously, perhaps another scene or memory as I drill a section, and when I go back to run it the same feelings or memories play in my head. So I've associated other mental processes with some sections as I learn them.


But for some reason, dark thoughts poisoned my head tonight. I didn't find it any more difficult to practice and learn new measures - in fact, I learned four measures in and hour, and was feeling very encouraged by my pace to keep going. I noticed, though, that every time I painstakingly inched through the new measures, testing the accuracy and strengthening my new neural associations, the same painful scene played through in my head, taunting me. I didn't anticipate that I could have also imprinted bad thoughts into my passages.


I took a break to eat some food, and watched funny videos to distract my mind, and went back to the same passage i was working on, now in hopes that I could imprint happier thoughts onto it. No such luck; perhaps I was thinking so hard about coming up with new associations, or I had already learned it too well, but the same sequence of notes triggered the same unhappy thought.


I set down my mallets for the rest of the night.